It’s been a hell of a weekend.
I’ve learned a few things about myself and my so-called friends; The people I thought would understand my predicament, didn’t really understand me at all, really. No one will entirely understand where I’m at, but it can’t hurt to wish there was someone. Sometimes, I think the people in all the television dramas I watch, would understand more than the people I’ve told. I can’t really handle it anymore myself. There’s too much heartache and headaches for just one person to handle.
It’s like a beaver dam. It’s been built for the past six or seven years, and after all the seasons of productive water stopping, it’s time for it to overflow, and twigs and branches starting to wear out.
It’s been a hell of a weekend.
I’m not the only one.
More and more people aren’t feeling it lately either. Everyone’s going through their own mid-teen, or two tenths of life, crisis. I guess everyone has their own demons they’re just trying to deal with too. But it’s like, I sit back and observe everyone. I look and I see, more of these “crisis” are not even crisis. It’s like there’s a scale, but there’s no in-between. It’s either it’s really a crisis or it’s just a crisis and it upsets me so much! Sometimes I just want to
I look around and I see, and I feel the hurt for the some of my friends that are hurting. It breaks my heart to see them like this, and with me, not being able to help at all. There are friends going through heartbreaks and heartaches, and then I see friends going to the path of mourning and grieving loved ones.
Sometimes I just wish I had someone who is here for me like I am here for them. Yes, I know how unreasonable I’m being, thinking of myself when a handful of my friends are fighting with their freshly introduced demons. But, I can’t stop the thought of how much softer the blow would’ve been if there was a duplicate of myself for me. I wonder if it would’ve been easier having someone to comfort me, and tell me that everything isn’t okay, that they know it’s not going to be a pretty ride, but it’s going to be a heck of a lot worst if they stayed together. I just needed someone to stop sugar coating everything, because I am not some sugar crazed person, I don’t have a sweet tooth. I’m a “cut to the chase,” not a “around the bush” type of person. I’ve have always ever wanted someone to tell me the truth; Not being worried that I couldn’t handle the truth, that it’d break me.
But I guess I’ve always been kind of broken
Or at least, like fine china; Once it was scratched with sharp silver, no matter how many times it’s been polished, the scratch would always be there. I have scars, that are reminders of memories. Maybe, not all of them are the greatest memories, but I prefer to remember the good ones. It’s like, I know I’m fine if I can wake up in the morning, and still be happy, in spite of my past.I may be a wreck somedays, but there are days where I’m fine.
There’s something about a wreck that makes it so beautiful
It’s something incredible. Everybody knows i’m not feeling it, and maybe it’s just me. I don’t quite see what everyone else sees.
I’m perfectly fine.
I actually like all the quiet. The serenity, the me-time, the “I’m just, too, trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be, and be with.” I sort of have an idea of who I want to be. Someone independent, someone who isn’t afraid of her past, someone who’s happy.
Deep down, I know what I want but the problem is I don’t know how to achieve. Well, I do know how to, it’s just I’m afraid of the possible problems that might occur if I go through with it.
I’m always the one telling others to mihm”Be vulnerable, be raw. That’s the only way you can experience life at its fullest.” But it’s like I crave perfection but fear rejection. And it’s horrible. It’s as obvious as a withered rose in a garden of freshly bloomed ones. In most cases, the desire to take, rather than give, is always stronger. But in this case, we normally dish out advice rather than taking our own, when really, the only person we need to give a guiding hand to, is ourselves.
I guess it’s just, I’m in high school, and I guess it’s okay that I’m having a change in attitude about everything. It might just be the hormones acting up, or maybe I’m just a little delusional. But it’s acceptable, I’ll find my way, sooner or later. Hopefully, I’ll find myself and my voice along the way. But for now, I’ll just be my own damsel in distress.